They said I should be bitter, resentful and scornful
And mourn you.
But I couldn’t find the seed of all hate
to plant in my heart’s garden bed.
When I think of your name, for some reason it’s all ok,
even if you are no longer there, to hold my hand.
Because the truth is sweet man,
you were the first and will always be, my soul’s friend.
Because you opened my eyes something beyond ordinary life,
Because after you I just could not go back to the way everything was,
Because you made me feel and believe in everyday organic magic,
you made me live a fantasy now I know really exists,
and now I’m not willing to settle for anything else than the love I learned
straight from the heat of your knowing gaze,
looking right through me, where no one else had seen…
After all these years of hiding behind an invisible veil,
which you slowly peeled and revealed my shy skin.
You saw me real, raw and bare,
but what’s most astounding is I wasn’t afraid,
I let you go there…
You unzipped my dress, the one I bought to impress
but what you found most impressive was me without the fancy drapes.
So I washed my face and even thought of shaving my head,
because you made me feel at home and comfortable in my flesh and bones,
Cherishing my textured skin and the soul that lives within
your sweet kisses fertilised love in me…
You saw the shy eyes, that had many tears cried
and you wiped the tears and heard the gasps
and weren’t disgusted by my frail hands,
the many shots I told you I misfired, you said it was all nothing.
And although you never dared
to tell me about you wounds as well,
I saw them, silently burn.
And although we never talked about it,
we both knew this bond we shared was something sacred, beyond the ego space.
I don’t know if our minds realised at the time,
our souls were executing their grand plan,
our spirits dancing vivid.
I could not ever hate you or forget you,
as tempting as it is because sometimes my ego stings
And burns jealousy, blame and envy….
Sometimes I try to tell myself I’ll find someone better out there,
someone who truly deserves me and is ready to claim me…
your loss, you know?
But the truth is I don’t want anyone to replace you.
I don’t ever want to replace love,
because although the story might not have gone as it was “supposed to”
we both know what went on was supernatural, and I don’t ever want to forget that.
I don’t know if something better will come,
but the love you ignited in my heart is enough
to last me this life and maybe the next, where we’ll meet again.
The reason I know this is love is because
although I try I just can not find resentment for you in my heart.
And when I close my eyes and see you in my heart’s eye
I just hope wherever you are… you have a smile, even if in other arms.
I just hope you are safe and happy and not afraid to be yourself
and go after what you deserve, because I’m doing the same.
In this day and age, the honourable tittle of “doormat”
is reserved for people like me
who open the doors of their heart and say
“come and go as you please”,
it’s an open feast.
In my case it’s a banquet and no regrets.
Because what else am I here for
if not to share the most precious thing I’ve got,
which is this love, fierce in my soul.
So no regrets my dear man.
In case you, ever think of me again
I’m sure you’ll know how to find me,
in dark alleys, in your dreams.
Where I sleep tight, with you
and feel infinity in a kiss.