Yes, I did some kind of impossible for you,
I’m still waiting to find out if I got away with it.

I’ve been procrastinating three weeks to reply to your message,
because I rehearse everything I’m about to say
time and time and again as if my life depended on it,
because I feel maybe your attention and potential admiration and affection
towards me, somehow depend on what I say and do.
Maybe I can hide my wounds and pretend I’m cool,
exceedingly witty and clever,
interesting,
whatever it is man nowadays are looking for,
but most importantly what you want
in a woman you pursue, unconciously.

So I’ve been driving myself insane for most of my adult age,
trying to figure out just who I am, the absurdity of life.
What makes me happy and why I act so irrationally.
Why there’s some hurts it seems I just can’t mend.
Why I wake up in the morning determined to only have one coffee, be healthy, be kind, “get shit done”, be a goddess in disguise, and a few hours later I find myself defeated in bed, thinking maybe I’ll try again tomorrow,
but today just wasn’t the day for it.

Why I think about you way too much and make seemingly crucial life decisions based around our fictitious future together.

Why I feel unworthy to have you, so I rather leave you alone,
some call this love.
To let you be free, away from me
and my dysfunctional quirks and anxieties.
I dunno if this is stupidity or my low self esteem. Which I hope one day goes away, so I won’t be afraid when I talk to acquaintances and friends and I’m left feeling like a dumb fuck when my mind goes blank, but most them don’t know, this is the “freeze or flight” effect trauma has left in my mind.

Why writing can be so healing, when I write for myself; not caring about what anyone else has got to say. If it’s artistic enough, abstract and profound.
If I’ll be published and liked, if I’m doing life and poetry right. If one day, soon, I’ll be finally recognised for my hidden talents,
in this lifetime before I die, make some cash and have some talents.
And a kind heart.
I feel like I’m on the right path, I enjoy it,
but I need some outside validation to certify this is true.
Is this lack of confidence or majority rules truth?
Why I sometimes wish I could say,
“Yes, fuck the world. I don’t care what anyone says I’m gonna go my own way”.
But no man is an island.
Why it’s the little moments of “connection” *gag*,
that make me feel grand and like maybe I am alright and a good enough human and I can handle life. And maybe everyone is just as weird as me, scarred and struggling in different departments and ranges but still, maybe it’s not just me…

Why it all leads me back to you, even when I’m talking about the gruesome and death. I think of you, because you are life
and you remind me why I am alive and why I should go on with life and I smile
And now I’m crying…

Because so far my life has been shit and I don’t mean to compare and sound ungrateful but it’s been hard…

But you, you give me hope,
you give me something to fight for
You make me understand love and I thank the God,
lately I’ve been sceptical of
But my faith, in a love like I’ve never know before
is now stronger than before.
So I put up my hands up and give myself a fervent Amen!

Because you warm my heart, even a million miles apart.
Because somehow, some part of me knows,
I loved you from the start.

I’ve written about this before,
how I’m not particularly mysticaI
but when I met you I simply felt at home,
although you were a stranger and I was so guarded…
Somehow you grew love in my heart
and I can’t explain this feeling, this madness you started.

I’m crying because I’m used to disappointment and tragedy
and maybe this romance is all in my head and you are in bed with someone else and not even thinking of me, ever.
And your replies are out of pity, courtesy or to pass the time.

I’m crying because I have a sadness
I don’t often allow myself to feel,
only when things are very real.
Like when someone close to me passes
and suddenly I realise I will never see them again,
hold them close and walk together this earth.

And so I can’t ignore my heart anymore,
it doesn’t whisper but moans, and
Fiercely it roars
With megaphones and dreams
coincidences and serendipity
you = love
graffitied in my soul
perpetually encoded in my core.

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The Maker

You make me want to be,
Like the wind.
You make me want to be light and swift,
elegant and strong-willed like an autumn breeze.

You make want to be infinity;
just so, this love will never cease to exist.
You make me want to be;
More than everything contained within my aged whisky skin,
oaky and caramel with a hint of mint.
More than all the decaying things myopic eyes can see,
More than anything that can be explained in prose or poesy.

You make me want to be, something
beautiful and holy, almost other worldly.
Like the sparks and electricity I feel
when I retreat into memory and relive you and me, alchemy
love or ecstasy, blessed with divine things.

You make me want to paint and I don’t know how to paint.
Roses in oil and magnolias in acrylic,
a world so idyllic, art and loveliness,
a lovely place just so you can live in it,
because you make me want to be tender
and be a go-getter and beam.

You make me want to be more than what I can be,
and although I don’t know what that is,
I’m willing to jump off the cliff,
because I know there’s better things hiding in the mist
And I hear you calling and waiting anxiously for me,
as I finally take the leap,
And fall into the wonderful abyss of going where my heart leads.

You make me want to be strong and sturdy like a tree.
You make me want to build a stable home,
carved in a tree trunk, founded in a rock,like a church,
but not self-righteous and actually warm and noble.
You make me want to be like the sea, with depth and complex
For you to get lost in my profoundness,
and you can be the precious gem inside my sunken treasure chest,
Like an Atlantis or a wondrous shipwreck,
after all you are the stuff of what legends are made.

You make me want to be like a mystic sky, birthing shooting stars
Day and night, so that every time you look into the heavens of my eyes,
You see light and know as a fact it will all be alright.
And when you look up at me, your wishes become reality,
you need don’t a thing, but have peace
and transcend Maslow’s pyramid, that’s my wish.

You make me want to ameliorate the earth,
Turn it into a greener place, rich and fertile terrain
Where the good people reign,
where we plough and play, adventures and devilish dares
And at the end of the day lay, side by side,
sometimes tangle into one luscious lump,
I scratch your back and somehow you seduce my heart,
Captivated by the moonshine, you shine
brighter than the starry sky.

You make me want to create an expanding universe,
made up of all the little luxuries we crave,
because we have epicurean taste, one life and no time to waste.
You make me want to be a craftsman of fantastic fantasy
and of everything your soul needs
To dance inhibition free and breath, sweet dreams.

You make me want to attempt to describe in my basic terms
the euphoria my spirit felt that night when we met,
because even after all this time the feeling remains,
love is still the same, it seems like nothing can change
the truths that make the world turn.

You make me want to spin gold lace from my tarry pain,
leave behind the fear and shame,
maladaptive crutches, hurts and regrets.
and everything holding us back from realising our grand plans.
And there in the diaphanous fragrance of everything we’ve learnt,
love here and there… we exhale
the goodness quietly made, back into the icy air.

You make me want to be a virgin again, pure and immaculate
For you to claim and have your kingdom between my legs,
Turn this flesh into a flowering terrain where you roam and have domain.
I want my soul to be your friend,
the confident who knows what you are about to say
So you don’t have to explain, silence says it best
And your articulate gaze,
Tells me history again, mistakes repaired.
and clairvoyantly what’s to come
tells me more, tells me love.

So for this, I want to be
the woman you deserve, the one who bakes and treks,
multifaceted, intelligent and with a pretty face.
The trophy wife who harmoniously sings lullabies
To cherubs, in a house, spick and span.

A virtuous woman who tells redemptive tales of love and faith
Warmth and tenderness, and forgiveness undeserved.
You make me want to be there for you
when you are feeling lost and lonely
I want to prepare your favourite treat, be your biscuits and tea
And have the same effect some drinks have on your hang ups and anxiety.
But then I also want to be the caffeine that gets things done,
takes out the trash and pays the bills on time,
pragmatic enough to survive and be savvy in life,
practical but magical, is that too much to ask?

You make me want to be an endless open space
where possibilities spread,
There, wherever your body lays.

You make me want to be free,
love, truth and beauty
Who sends you postcards and gifts
Just so you know someone is thinking of thee,
and maybe you can think of me…

Because the truth is,
I can’t say this love is selfless
You brought me back to life
and now I want to spend it all by your side.

You make me want to rule the world,
Just so that I can make you king,
Just for a little bit,
so that after you’ve grasped everything you’ve ever wanted,
You go right back to where we started
And find the love within your soul.
And together with mine, in between light and dark
Imperfect but fine, beautifully scarred
We both find in the other’s eyes
the meaning of life;
a familiar smile that quiets our minds.
Love and home
yours and mine.