Infinity Kiss

They said I should be bitter, resentful and scornful
And mourn you.
But I couldn’t find the seed of all hate
to plant in my heart’s garden bed.
When I think of your name, for some reason it’s all ok,
even if you are no longer there, to hold my hand.
Because the truth is sweet man,
you were the first and will always be, my soul’s friend.
Because you opened my eyes something beyond ordinary life,
Because after you I just could not go back to the way everything was,
Because you made me feel and believe in everyday organic magic,
you made me live a fantasy now I know really exists,
and now I’m not willing to settle for anything else than the love I learned
straight from the heat of your knowing gaze,
looking right through me, where no one else had seen…
After all these years of hiding behind an invisible veil,
which you slowly peeled and revealed my shy skin.
You saw me real, raw and bare,
but what’s most astounding is I wasn’t afraid,
I let you go there…
You unzipped my dress, the one I bought to impress
but what you found most impressive was me without the fancy drapes.

So I washed my face and even thought of shaving my head,
because you made me feel at home and comfortable in my flesh and bones,
Cherishing my textured skin and the soul that lives within
your sweet kisses fertilised love in me…
You saw the shy eyes, that had many tears cried
and you wiped the tears and heard the gasps
and weren’t disgusted by my frail hands,
the many shots I told you I misfired, you said it was all nothing.

And although you never dared
to tell me about you wounds as well,
I saw them, silently burn.
And although we never talked about it,
we both knew this bond we shared was something sacred, beyond the ego space.
I don’t know if our minds realised at the time,
our souls were executing their grand plan,
our spirits dancing vivid.

I could not ever hate you or forget you,
as tempting as it is because sometimes my ego stings
And burns jealousy, blame and envy….
Sometimes I try to tell myself I’ll find someone better out there,
someone who truly deserves me and is ready to claim me…
your loss, you know?

But the truth is I don’t want anyone to replace you.
I don’t ever want to replace love,
because although the story might not have gone as it was “supposed to”
we both know what went on was supernatural, and I don’t ever want to forget that.
I don’t know if something better will come,
but the love you ignited in my heart is enough
to last me this life and maybe the next, where we’ll meet again.

The reason I know this is love is because
although I try I just can not find resentment for you in my heart.
And when I close my eyes and see you in my heart’s eye
I just hope wherever you are… you have a smile, even if in other arms.
I just hope you are safe and happy and not afraid to be yourself
and go after what you deserve, because I’m doing the same.

In this day and age, the honourable tittle of “doormat”
is reserved for people like me
who open the doors of their heart and say
“come and go as you please”,
it’s an open feast.
In my case it’s a banquet and no regrets.
Because what else am I here for
if not to share the most precious thing I’ve got,
which is this love, fierce in my soul.

So no regrets my dear man.
In case you, ever think of me again
I’m sure you’ll know how to find me,
in dark alleys, in your dreams.
Where I sleep tight, with you
and feel infinity in a kiss.

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To Love Oneself…

To love oneself…

What does this even mean?
We all have different understating of the word love…
A fleeting irrational, animal response? A mere feeling?

Most often people relate the word love, to “romantic love” between two people, in a relationship, but even the meaning and understanding of what a relationship is so distorted nowadays… We are more “connected” than ever, but more isolated than ever before, especially from our own selves. The only real home and sure source of love we’ll ever find, our own souls.

I believe real love is more than just a feeling.
Real love is a verve, and a most potent sacred force making the world go around…
Unfortunately, language often impedes us to make sense and even express of all our feelings…
The same with love, which yes, is also a feeling of affection, care…
Eros love, includes attraction and feelings of lust…
But real love goes beyond fleeting momentary feelings, real love is a virtue and a divine gift.
I shall attempt to deconstruct or sketch a clear picture of what this love looks like:
First of all, real love encompasses the words:
Kindness
Compassion
Acceptance
Understanding
Patience
Forgiveness
Attention
Empathy
Care
Resilience
Precede the word “unconditional” before all the above…
Now I could go into defining each of the above as well, but I trust we can all look up the meaning of the afore mentioned and get a clear understanding of what they all mean.
Although these words might look all “fluffy” and rosy, rainbows and butterflies, spring everywhere…
They are actually the most difficult things to practice, for us humans, trapped in our ego shells, but they are the most powerful and redeeming forces for any one of us.
So when it comes to self love, where to start?

First by accepting yourself, sounds simple right? Easier said than done.
Accepting our messy, broken selves who everyday we try to change according to societies expectations of what we “should be” as humans.
From a young age we are made to feel inadequate and ashamed of our short comings, some more than others….
So this is the beginning, accepting who you are warts and all, and realising you are not just your “mistakes”, “defects”, but realising that these things are actually what shape you into the unique wonderful individual that you are.
Realising that it is through these struggles you are actually being polished into the diamond that you are.
Realising that there’s nothing wrong with you, you are just the way god, the universe, the providence, nature, whatever you wanna call it intended you to be… Perfectly you.
This is the first step to self love.

Acknowledging yourself in all your glory as not just a pile of negative adjectives of everything the world told you, you “should be”, but being real with the truth of who you are, and being proud of that. Sure, you are not perfect, you could have a million defects which you want to change but we all do, but the first step in changing or “improving” any of those defects or bettering yourself in any way, is by first acknowledging who you are in the first place, acknowledging and loving ourselves into “better” versions of ourselves, not outcasting or berating ourselves for certain parts we are not quite proud of or we don’t like.

For example you could have a fiery temper, and tend to feel anger which you often try to deny, keep contained or reflect onto other people, until eventually you explode… and then you give yourself even more of a hard time for “losing control”, or being an asshole, or a bad person or whatever the condemning thought might be.
The first step is to have compassion towards ourselves, for having all these feelings and unhelpful thoughts, being human and vulnerable and simply not perfect.
Then gently, being aware of certain tendencies or unhelpful habits we might’ve picked up throughout the years for whatever reason, and try to transform them into something more helpful for ourselves and others.
For example that anger, passion, all that energy can be a powerful force for transformation, for taking action towards a noble cause with compassion and benevolence above all. Because we know hate or any destructive action doesn’t benefit anyone, it only damages all parties involved.

So it’s about acknowledging yourself in all your glory and go from there…
To illustrate this, in my experience, I’ve always been an anxious person for as long as I can remember, given my “difficult” upbringing, trauma etc…
For years I tried to negate, hide this anxiety and deep sadness I felt, I just didn’t want to acknowledge them because the feelings where too painful, they were real, but I thought they were a nuisance I had to ignore and just “get on with it”. I lived totally disconnected from my emotions, trapped in my mind, telling myself how “I should” feel instead of owning up to my feelings and which lead to years of destructive behaviour. First of all, I hated myself for all the things I should be and I wasn’t, I hated myself for all my “mistakes”, so often I kept myself isolated, I lived behind a mask, never showing my true self, all my pain. It was only when I opened the doors of my own heart to myself that I could be free…

I started to feel deep compassion for myself, because my anxiety and sadness where there for a reason, I’d had a difficult past, I’d gone through some very rough things that would leave anyone sad and anxious, and there was nothing I could do about the past, the past was done, but my emotions which I didn’t allow myself to feel, where still stuck there because I never allowed myself to process them…
So I started by accepting my past and the feelings that came with them, and realising how it was ok to feel everything that I was feeling. What’s more, I realised these experiences where actually a gift, these deep suffering allowed me to become a more compassionate person towards those in pain, these experiences taught me how to forgive, myself and others.
These experiences taught me the way to love.

Now I realise, there’s no such thing in the universe as mistakes, everything happens for a reason even if we don’t realise it or understand it at the time, everything is a lesson, everything is working towards the evolution of our better selves…

So back to loving myself,
This means forgiving myself for all my mistakes, things on retrospective I could’ve done better? But hey! We all try to do the best we can with what we have with what we have and what we know at the time, so what’s the point in dwelling on the past?
We can only learn, and move on, wiser than before.
Second, loving myself means being true to myself, in all aspects.
First, it means acknowledging my past, all it’s pain and owning it. It means acknowledging all my emotions, not judging them as good or bad, just allowing them to be there, and have compassion for how hard it is sometimes to feel a million things at once that my brain can’t even process.
Loving myself means chasing my dreams, it mean having the courage to break out of my shell and create a life I’m proud of, a live that reflects my values….
Loving myself means loving others around me as well, and not being ashamed of this love, not being scared of being who I am but beaming proudly all this Love I carry within me because, heck it’s a treasure I’ve worked hard to find, literally through many years and tears.
In practical terms it means, acknowledging all my moods, all my physical sensations and acting mindfully to take care of each one. It means being present to my life every second. Being grounded in love.
It means accepting my body as it is, scarred, hairy and all.
It means nourishing it with healthy food, it means giving it the rest it needs.
It means taking care of my mind, nourishing it with wisdom, allowing it to rest and have some fun as well.
It means taking care of my emotions and listen to what they are trying to tell me…
It means making peace with myself, from the constant war… it means working with me not against me…
It means unity, mind, body and spirit…
It means learning to trust myself, my gut, my intuition.
It means being true to my values and beliefs and not be ashamed of being who I am
It means having patience with myself…. having endless compassion for my ego and anxious mind.
It means living a life that makes me happy even if others don’t understand…
It means being in touch with my real self, my soul, endless love.
It means being a compassionate, nurturing mother towards myself.
It means being deeply aware at every time of what I’m feeling and thinking, and grounded, respond accordingly.
It means being mindful and present to my life.
It means acknowledging all my desires and feelings and not keep them exiled or be ashamed of them.
It means reconciling my heart and mind.
It means spreading that love I have within me with others and everyone around me in any way I can…
It means trying to make the world a more loving place.

“To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.”
― Socrates

On Love…

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi

The meaning of life is simple,
Yet impossible to conceive or achieve when you are trapped in your ego prison.
Of egoistic reason and exiled feelings….
I believe we are here from love and to love.
We are here from a highly intelligent, complex, divine, magic, loving universe…
Through which its marvellous, chemistry and loving science,
Allowed us humans , such intricate creatures to blossom.
To be alive, against all odds.
The privilege of having the awareness, that you are real, that you exist, that out of the infinite number of possibilities… somehow there was you.
That’s an act of wonder and love.
To be on this earth, to discover who we are, beyond all we are told we “should be”…
“Should be doing” or becoming…
We already are, love,
It’s in us, its in all nature around us…
We feel it, we are one.
Despite what the ego, or egoistic reason says…
Despite all the “reasons” why…
We shouldn’t love…
Or what is love even?
Despite our distorted views or understanding of what love is; we are all hungry for it and we all deserve it, and not just crumbs or cheap imitations.
Sadly, our modern society has turned love into almost a kind of commodity you have to have to work hard to earn, or if you are lucky find somewhere…
This is the ego which tends to separate, when love unites and accepts.
When we realise, who we are, love, we can’t help but love,
The ego doesn’t control our spirit, we are beyond shallow reasoning
To feel and cherish all that the mind can’t explain.
There’s nothing more powerful in the world than love, God…
Universal unity and acceptance.
Breaking us free from fear, from the separations of illusion and superiority the ego has created.
Love restores, love reminds us we are all the same, despite our outside shells, and different tastes,
Love reminds us that we are enough, we have enough, to exist, to simply be…
The loving universe that bought has us into being is looking out for us…
Love is already within us, all around us in nature, love is in the air we breath and water we drink, in all the elements.
Love is everlasting, and present in your heart, you just have to make contact to that fountain inside that will never run dry.
Love is strength, love is courage to try again.
Love is that nurturing, compassionate mother, we all have within us.
Love brings our higher selfs to light, love sees our broken parts but doesn’t dwell in our wrongs or punishes us for coming short.
Instead it compassionately helps to try again, how you can do it better, but it’s ok if you don’t always get it right, love accept things as they are.
Love is fervent faith… in the universe, in the power of love itself.
Love is courageous, it doesn’t shrink at the ego.
Instead it kindly tries to understand what made it so, where it hurts, why so much pain? Why do you put all these defence and pretence?
Real love reminds us thats it’s ok to be broken and flawed, the mortal, fragile humans that we are. Perfectly imperfect us. Like everything in nature and creation, we are fallible, ever changing and metamorphic, full of errors, sickness and mistakes but that’s perfectly ok.
Nature in all it’s wisdom lovingly accepts and nurtures every creature in their native state, facilitating their thriving and dying in the circle of life.
Flowers don’t compete or compare their beauty against each other they simply bloom and freely grant us with their fragrance and harmonious charm because that’s intrinsically who they are.
In the same way, leaves in the trees don’t resist the changing of the seasons, their colours turning green, yellow or pink, they simply let go into the flow because they know it’s all an act of love, from the sage Providence.
Loving nature than reminds us, that our natural, wild, “beastly selves” if you like, are ok as they are. There’s no need for striving for perfection or illusions concocted by the ego, we may be horrible but also wonderful, despite it all, always deserving of that unconditional love and affection we so deeply crave, yet we deny ourselves, for a million illegitimate reasons our illusions of self righteousness which impede us from grasping and appropriating of this divine love, freely available to us all.
Above it all, the soul just wants to feel at home, secure, at one, at ease with everything else… from the love source where it came from.
We don’t have to learn how to love, it’s a natural instinct ingrained in all of us, we simply have to kindly deconstruct all the barriers we have built against it and if possible refine and deepen our understanding of love, how we can demonstrate, express, and put our love, this passions, into use for ourselves and everyone around us.
Love is already within us, we can feel it, we were born with it.
Often in romantic relationships we are looking for that one person who we can feel secure enough to show our sensitivity, insecurity, and vulnerability, and inevitable neediness, the most intimate, our wounded selves, what’s always been there but for some reason, for our survival, in our sad modern culture of “dog eat dog”, we’ve learnt we have to hide from the world, so we don’t get hurt, again.
But in this way, in guarding our hearts with heavy armours against hurt and masking our tender vulnerability we are also impending love from entering and blossoming in our hearts. The love we are after so much, we also keep at bay, because we are scared of being vulnerable, with the potential of getting hurt again. Often we are so disconnected form our own hearts that we seek for illusions of love on a superficial level, ones which flatter the ego. But the beauty and magic of true love is when you allow that one particular person to journey with you into the depths of your bleeding heart; kiss and repair your wounds one by one.
In reality, it’s not our fault that we’ve built all these barriers against love, as we grew up we were hurt, so we devised all these mechanisms and ideologies to keep us from experiencing that pain, again and again.
But know that we are aware we can choose to let those barriers down and expose our vulnerable open hearts, with love to give and receive…
In this process of being brave and open hearted, it’s important to understand that those who hurt us, are people who are hurting themselves, we shouldn’t take it as a personal attack but as a reflection of their conflictive state. One can only respond with love and compassion towards this person, and pray they find peace, acceptance and love within their hearts.

Truth is we are all broken, and hurting and just to be loved and accepted. And cherished for who were are…
We are tired of the world telling us all we should be…. so we often run away to unhelpful habits…
But when you have, find, surrender to love, you can be at ease, because you’ve found peace and home within.
What the world can say doesn’t hurt you anymore, because you stand firm in your truth, broken, flawed, but loved and that’s awesome.

“The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away”  Pablo Picasso

 

 

I love you naked

To you beautiful dear stranger…

I see you and I love you, as you are, with all your quirks and all your fears.

With your freeting, anxious mind.

With your many mistakes and defeats, with your gloriously messy life…

There’s nothing wrong with you, you are perfectly imperfect you.

I love your eyes, your sad eyes from which many tears have come.

I love your mouth, that which eats too little or way too much. That which can never find the right words to say…

I love your stubby nose, that with which you can savour the fresh healing Spring.

I love your ears, those which expectantly waited for words of love…

I love your hair, that which you waxed, dyed and cut yet it’s still there graciously trying to keep you warm.

I love your crooked teeth, those sturdy yellowy soldiers you haven’t brushed enough.

I love your bulging belly, that one you so desperately try to flatten.

I love your flat chest, even though it’s now silicone clad.

I love your neck, sustaining your skull and the chaotic brain inside.

I love your thighs, those reduced from persistent exercise.

I love your back, your crooked spine.

I love your behind, that one that’s bony and flat.

I love your arms, those you use to give your favourite; hugs…

I love your fingers, those tipping this words…

I love your legs, those you used to run away from yourself, those that every time found their way home…

I love your feet, those bearing the weight of your existence.

I love each one of your toes, those for whom you don’t usually spare a thought.

I love your body whole, that martyr you often reject, that one which made you feel ashamed…

I love your crazy mind…

I love your lonely soul…

I love your bleeding heart…

My whole life I felt like something important was missing… Like I’d been abandoned and was all alone, defected and incomplete. 
My whole life I was always uneasy, restlessly looking for that something missing, for that someone I had to find, to feel love, to feel whole.

I thought I had to become, to strive, to transform into something other than me. 
I thought maybe one day I would graduate into being, that one day I would earn my worth.

Little l did I know that someone I was searching for was closer than I’d ever imagine, it was you all along…
The love of my life looking right back at me… ever-suffering you.
Through the good times and the bad you stood by me, patiently, benignly waiting for me to come to my senses and see you, acknowledge you, embrace you and love you like I am now, wholeheartedly and fiercely, like it’s the only thing I know how to do…

 
Because I’ve realised there will another you, who loves me as much as you do, who has so much love to give so freely, often to be rejected, but now I’m ready to receive it. I’m ready to commit. I’m ready to take on the world with you by my side, even when it’s dark, I’ll have your back. I’m sorry I made you cry and tell you to shut up. I promise to cherish you and fan the flames in your heart. Together we’ll chase dreams, together we’ll comfort and pick each other up, now together we will never be alone. I won’t never ever leave you behind, on you I’ll never give up.

 
I’ve realised now I was always whole, full of mighty potent love, bringing me back to life.

 
So watch me now as I open the door, please come inside… Watch me as I lift you up and carry you to me, sit in my bed, it’s not the most comfortable but it’s all I’ve got.
I’m broken and I’m broke, without many assets but this one precious heart to be your confidant, to write you poems and bring you flowers, to take you dancing and together explore the world.

Everything I have, all that I am is yours now, to treasure and to nurture the way only you know how… To dissect and discern, to decipher and to probe, to find the answers I don’t even know….

Let me dry the tears from your eyes, let me brush your hair back and run my fingers through your mane… Let me stroke your arms just the way you like it, let me make you tea, the one you wanted. Let me cook you food it won’t make you fat.

In my arms you are safe dear, you can rest. Your secrets I won’t tell. I won’t judge and criticise. You can put down your mask, your shield and armour, there’s no need to hide, you are free to be, free to feel, free to shine, blow out and reignite. 
The load you carry around, I’ll help you unpack, make yourself comfortable, feel free to lay back…

Inhabit this humble abode, this physical vessel, mind and soul are yours to forever honor and uphold.

You are enough, you have always been enough.

Lets stop this fight, it’s time we made up.

Welcome home